Hello there eerie strangers and even eerier friends. I bid you welcome to thou 5thist day unto ye Olde Candy and Corpses Strychnine Awards! Have you ever been attacked by an animal or made an animal attack someone else? Have you ever dabbled in Satanic ritual? Do you like gladiator movies? If you've answered yes to all of the above like I have it turns out you may just be a vvitch (pronounced vavitch) or perhaps close to a rival vvitch. Once when little I was on a field trip at a petting zoo and I was snatched off the ground by a mean llama and flung around like a rag doll in its creepy big teeth until my mother who was chaperoning punched it in the neck until it dropped me to the dirt. Turns out I was a vvitch and didn't know it yet and I think probably one of my classmates was a rival of mine. Probably that shifty looking kid Jessica that got in trouble for eating scratch n' sniff stickers.
Anywayith, on to the awards.
October 4th, 2021: The award for best Olde Timey Goat Mauling goes to...
Who wouldn't want to live deliciously? You get to eat butter all day and fly naked in the woods when you want. You get a pet goat that attacks everyone who looks at you sideways. Hell, sign me up.
Once in a while comes a films that changes the entire horror landscape. The kind of film that sits in the mind like a festering curse. A festering curse that you cannot get enough of. That was Robert Eggers' The Witch for me. It's as if the Devil himself or herself reached up through the earth to churn fresh butter and make me delicious buttery toast (too weird?). The film is as beautiful as it is haunting and I love every ominous second of it. Put it in my top five horror films ever. Okay, now let's talk westerns. Bone Tomahawk is the best horror western ever made. Okay so there's not a lot to choose from but it's just a freaking fantastic and disturbing film if you like either genres. I promise when you do finally see said 'bone tomahawk' you will squirm in your seat. Also, Kurt Russell is always amazing. Hell, I'll rewatch Captain Ron just because he's in it. Moving on, who here grew up in the punk scene? Went to punk shows? Played in punk bands? 'Raises hand' I've played in lots of punk/hardcore bands in youth (I'm an old lady now and have no cartilage left in my wrists to bash my drums) and there was always one or two shows here and there where I would look around and see way more skinheads than I was comfortable with (I know, I know, some weren't racist. ie: SHARPs). Green Room is really so real for me. I could totally see this happening at one of my shows in the middle of hellscape-nowhere central Florida. This film is like a panic attack in a pool filled cigarette butts and broken beer bottles. Also RIP Anton Yelchin.
2015
1. The Witch aka The VVitch: A New-England Folktale (Directed by Robert Eggers)
IMDB plot: A family in 1630s New England is torn apart by the forces of witchcraft, black magic, and possession.
2. Bone Tomahawk (Directed by S. Craig Zahler)
IMDB plot: In the dying days of the old west, an elderly sheriff and his posse set out to rescue their town's doctor from cannibalistic cave dwellers.
3. Green Room (Directed by Jeremy Saulnier)
IMDB plot: A punk rock band is forced to fight for survival after witnessing a murder at a neo-Nazi skinhead bar.
Bonus Films! Twisted ex-girlfriends, haunted house clowns and Irish creature baby stealers!!!
The Invitation (Directed by Karyn Kusama)
IMDB plot: A man accepts an invitation to a dinner party hosted by his ex-wife, an unsettling affair that reopens old wounds and creates new tensions.
Hell House LLC (Directed by Stephen Cognetti)
IMDB plot: Five years after an unexplained malfunction causes the death of 15 tour-goers and staff on the opening night of a Halloween haunted house tour, a documentary crew travels back to the scene of the tragedy to find out what really happened.
The Hallows (Directed by Corin Hardy)
IMDB plot: A family who moved into a remote mill house in Ireland finds themselves in a fight for survival with demonic creatures living in the woods.
That's all fiends. See you tomorrow for the spooky year of 2016. xoxo
This year has a definite theme. Stay the hell out of places you don't know. Stay home, don't go out into the middle of nowhere because you will probably die. If you go anyways, let everyone know where you are going and bring weapons. Lots of weapons and snacks. I am such a city girl but I do love nature. However, when I do go hiking or (shudders) camping I am always slightly terrified that I am going to get tortured and killed by creepy creatures or even more likely by creepy people who want me to squeal like a pig then eat my face. It's just a thought lingering in the back of my skull as I breathe in the fresh air.
2005
1. The Descent (Directed by Neil Marshall)
IMDB plot: A caving expedition goes horribly wrong, as the explorers become trapped and ultimately pursued by a strange breed of predators.
2. Wolf Creek (Directed by Greg McLean)
IMDB plot: Three backpackers stranded in the Australian outback are plunged inside a hellish nightmare of insufferable torture by a sadistic psychopathic local.
3. Isolation (Directed by Billy O'Brien)
IMDB plot: On a remote Irish farm, five people become unwilling participants in an experiment that goes nightmarishly wrong.
That's all creeps. See you tomorrow for 2006. xoxo
