Here it is creeps. The Candy and Corpses 2021 Halloween Spooktacular! Spooky shorts, cartoons, trailers, commercials, and a wicked feature presentation. Enjoy and remember these safety tips when trick or treating: Look both ways before crossing the street, make sure to wear a bright reflective costumes with eye holes big enough to see, pray to your demon overlords, and be sure to check your your candy!
Hello blood suckers and rat tossers. Welcome to day lucky number 13 of the Candy and Corpses 2021 Strychnine Awards. Have you ever really loved a book or comic and then you heard it was going to be made into a film or tv show and you get super excited and then it comes out and you're like "What the biscuits and gravy is going on here? Am I dead? Is this Hell?" It ends up being so bad that you need to sandpaper your eyes just to scrub away that hurt that was just inflicted on them. But then over time you end up enjoyed thing that made you go blind in the first place. Yeah, it really sucks when that happens.
Anyways, on to the awards!
October 13th, 2021: The award for best Maybe Worst Sexy Vampiress from Outer Space goes to...
Okay first let me get this out of the way. I feel like actress Talisa Soto did the best she could with what she was given. She vamps around all gorgeous like and shoots laser guns and bites losers. This movie would look right at home next to Masters of the Universe in the Canon Films library. I mean, this was directed by the same director who brought us Chopping Mall ten years earlier. With the film's $17 budget the iconic Vampirella "outfit" was exchanged for an ill-fitting Dollar Tree vinyl "Vampire Alien Girl" costume but it still does the job. The supporting cast's acting is so bad its bad especially the main villain dude who happens to have an amazing side ponytail. So yeah, is it good? No. Do I kinda love it anyway? Yeah. Anyways, maybe it's been long enough since this came out to re-do the character with a lot more blood and sleaze the way god intended it to be.
Hello ghouls. Welcome to day 7 of the Candy and Corpses Strychnine Awards. So it's a dream of mine to own a farm out in the middle of nowhere. Maybe own a goat and a tractor and a horse. Also, to keep bigots from stringing me up in a tree and setting me on fire I may just have to become a vampire, you know, for safety reasons.
Anyways enough of that and on to the awards
October 7th, 2021: The award for best Vampire Cowboy Boot Spur Throat Slash goes to...
This is one of my all time favorite vampire films and definitely my favorite cowboy vampire film of all time. Soaked in mood and blood. Wouldn't it be cool if you could turn a horse into a vampire and you could both ride around all creepy like surrounded by vampire mist? That's a brand new dream of mine. Vampire cowgirl with a creepy vampire horse. Hmmm would the horse only drink other horses blood? I'll have to think about that.
Welcome creeps to the spectacularly spooky year known as 2014. Have you ever felt like someone was watching you? Wherever you go, someone seems to be starring at you from behind the bushes or maybe climbing in your windows and smelling your feet while you sleep? Maybe they clip your toenails and eat them. No? Okay, my dreams are weird. For real though, I have had that feeling of being followed before. I wonder if it's either the FBI trailing me because my Alexa Echo is a fucking rat and I talk shit about our crappy government all the time. Or maybe I am being stalked by one of our many neighborhood creepers who wants to do freaky scary stuff to my corpse. Or maybe they are just some dude walking to the sketchy corner store too and they also just want a bag of Funyuns and an orange Gatorade and I happen to be going their way. Anyways, here are my faves of...
2014
1. It Follows (Directed by David Robert Mitchell)
IMDB plot: A young woman is followed by an unknown supernatural force after a sexual encounter.
2. The Babadook (Directed by Jennifer Kent)
IMDB plot: A single mother and her child fall into a deep well of paranoia when an eerie children's book titled "Mister Babadook" manifests in their home.
3. A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (Directed by Ana Lily Amirpour)
IMDB plot: In the Iranian ghost-town Bad City, a place that reeks of death and loneliness, the townspeople are unaware they are being stalked by a lonesome vampire.
Bonus Films!!!! Okay, holy hell this was a great year for horror. So many top picks to choose from. I had a pretty rough time trying to figure out my faves. So here are some of them that could very well be swapped out for my second or third picks.
Creep (Directed by Patrick Brice)
IMDB plot: A young videographer answers an online ad for a one-day job in a remote town to record the last messages of a dying man. When he notices the man's odd behavior, he starts to question his intentions.
Starry Eyes (Directed by Kevin Kölsch, Dennis Widmyer)
IMDB plot: A hopeful young starlet uncovers the ominous origins of the Hollywood elite and enters into a deadly agreement in exchange for fame and fortune.
... and I am ending with this last one because it deserves it's own special shoutout. It's not quite horror but more of a spoof on horror. A hilarious comedy about vampires. If I was doing my favorite comedies it would be in my number one spot for the decade.
What We Do in the Shadows (Directed by Jemaine Clement, Taika Waititi)
IMDB plot: Viago, Deacon and Vladislav are vampires who are finding that modern life has them struggling with the mundane - like paying rent, keeping up with the chore wheel, trying to get into nightclubs and overcoming flatmate conflicts.
Holy crap that a lot spooky. See you all tomorrow for 2015. xoxo
