TV Casualties.

Salut mes petits monstres. Welcome to days 11 and 12 of the Candy and Corpses 2021 Strychnine Awards. I know what you're thinking "What the living fuck Violet, you are cheating. Two awards in one post? I didn't pay for this?!" Yes, I am cheating and yes, you didn't pay for this. Rulez are for foolz. Obey your television. Say, did your parents let you watch sleazy stuff on cable when your were a teenager? My mom would occasionally say I couldn't watch something for no reason whatsoever and I'm like "why is The Texas Chainsaw Massacre okay but I can't watch Debbie Does Dallas?" But no matter what my parents said I would just sneak watch whatever you wanted anyway? Television loves you. They're like "you can't watch Cinemax on cable after midnight because that's for adults only" and I'm like "whatever, I'm 13 and I've also already seen plenty of tits and ass and sleazy guys with handle bar mustaches. Don't tell me what to do!"  Television is your god now. When you are young you are like "old people are boring and stupid." and once you pass 40 you're like "young people are annoying and stupid." Anyways, yeah one the one thing that old and young people can agree on is that television rulez. Turn on 'Family Ties' or 'Knight Rider' and everyone settles the hell down. All hail television. Am I right? I mean I can just sit and listen to static on a tv and be super happy and do whatever it tells me to do. 

Anyways, on to the awards!

October 11th & 12th, 2021: The award for best Television Kills goes to...  

Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987) and Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)

Directed by Chuck Russel and John McNaughton

and...

No False Metal.

Wake up sleepy head! Welcome to day 10 of the Candy and Corpses Strychnine Awards. I was a weirdo growing up circa 80s. I was a little skater punk/metalhead and I played drums in a band called Cataclysm. I wrote songs like 'D.O.A.' and 'Pin a Medal on My Corpse' Yeah, my dad was a fucked up Vietnam vet so I had a lot of opinions on the government and the war machine. So anyways, one day in during middle school in the small suburb of Woodstock Georgia I pleaded to the administration if my band could play "a show" on the stage in the cafeteria during lunch. Who knows what they were thinking but they said yes. So that Friday, we set up on the lunch room stage and played while other kids ate their tater tots and ice cream scoops of American cheese cover spaghetti. The other weirdos in the school lost their shit and cheered us on, the rednecks and jocks threw food at us, and the administration realized very quickly that this was a very, very bad idea. We got shut down after three songs. I kicked my drums over, threw up some devil horns, and yelled "Cataclysm never dies."

Anyways, on to the awards!

October 10th, 2021: The award for best Heavy Metal Ear Melting goes to...  

Trick or Treat (1986)

Directed by Charles Martin Smith

"No wimps. No false metal." That's what dead metal rocker Sammi Curr tells young high school student Ragman when he gets the crap kicked out of him every day by a bunch of dumb bully jocks. Play his last record backwards and all kinds of heavy metal shenanigans happen. The soundtrack is amazing and it's pretty fun seeing Ozzy play an anti-heavy metal preacher on tv. If you haven't seen the one you're missing out.

Monkey on Your Back.

Baboons are scary. They mean mug you all the time and even their butts are bright red and angry looking. It's pretty much guaranteed that they are either going to attack and beat you to death or at the very least throw feces at you. I don't know about you but it's very smart to pump a baboon full of drugs, tell it you're going to kill it, and then let it roam the hallways of your office building. Seems like a bad plan to me.

Anyways enough monkey business and on to the awards

October 9th, 2021: The award for best Monkey Attacks Role Playing Nerds goes to...  

Shakma (1990)

Directed by Roger Engle

Now don't get me wrong. I'm a total nerd. I love role-playing games like D&D and Call of Cthulhu but the game they are LARPing (*live action role playing) in Shakma is just super lame. I mean Roddy Mcdowall is the game master so that's pretty cool but just wandering around an office building until you find a clue that says go to room 34 on floor 2 and then you go to that room and another clue tells you to go to another room on another floor is pretty uninspired. They could've at least worn costumes or something. I'm glad a killer baboon moon drugs was added to the mix to spice things up.

Satan in a Jar.

Hi there and welcome to day 8 of the Candy and Corpses Strychnine Awards. Ya know, I've been thinking about the Devil a lot lately. Yeah, he's had a lot of time to take control of the world but so far I don't see any hellfire and brimstone and all that. Sure, humanity has reach peak shittiness of late but it seems to usually be championed by followers of the the other guy upstairs. Satan did have his way in the 80s with all of the awesome heavy metal and horror movies and Dungeons and Dragons he made. He was pretty busy back then. Now, not so much.

Anyways enough of that and on to the awards

October 8th, 2021: The award for best Killers Controlled by Satan in a Jar  goes to...  

Prince of Darkness (1987)
Directed by John Carpenter

If I told you "Alice Cooper" plays a homicidal homeless man controlled by a jar of swirling slime that claims to be Satan would I have your attention? I have to say that getting beaten to death with office furniture is not a way I want to go. Also, if I am going to be possessed by the Devil I do not want someone puking in my mouth. That's just disgusting.

Vampire Spurs.

Hello ghouls. Welcome to day 7 of the Candy and Corpses Strychnine Awards. So it's a dream of mine to own a farm out in the middle of nowhere. Maybe own a goat and a tractor and a horse. Also, to keep bigots from stringing me up in a tree and setting me on fire I may just have to become a vampire, you know, for safety reasons. 

Anyways enough of that and on to the awards

October 7th, 2021: The award for best Vampire Cowboy Boot Spur Throat Slash goes to...  

Near Dark (1987)
Directed by Kathryn Bigelow

This is one of my all time favorite vampire films and definitely my favorite cowboy vampire film of all time. Soaked in mood and blood. Wouldn't it be cool if you could turn a horse into a vampire and you could both ride around all creepy like surrounded by vampire mist? That's a brand new dream of mine. Vampire cowgirl with a creepy vampire horse. Hmmm would the horse only drink other horses blood? I'll have to think about that.

Robot's Got Your Eyes.

Hello creeps and other weirdo peeps. Welcome to round 6 of the Candy and Corpses Strychnine Awards! Wanna hear some overly personal information that you didn't ask for? So anyways, I have severe OCD. If I hear a noise I have to see what it is. I especially dislike loud noises. (funny coming from a punk rock drummer who played in bands for 30 years). Add to that I get severely nervous about maintaining sameness or stability in my surrounding "controllable" environment. So yeah, I look out my windows uncontrollably all the time. I have a saying "I don't want to watch you, I just want to watch you go away." I am the spooky old lady peeking out my blinds. I hope to one day be known as the creepy old Witch that lives in the spooky house to all the neighborhood children.

Anyways enough of that and on to the awards

October 6th, 2021: The award for best Creeper with an Eye Socket Gouge goes to...  

Hardware (1990)

Directed by Richard Stanley

Hardware is one of my favorite movies. Post apocalyptic cyber-horror with tons of mood and neon and PIL music. Also, it's always so therapeutic when the creepy stalker dude takes a drill to the face. The scumbag should've listened to the title song... "This is what you want but this is what you'll get." 

Would Thou Like to be Deliciously Mauled by a Goat?

Hello there eerie strangers and even eerier friends. I bid you welcome to thou 5thist day unto ye Olde Candy and Corpses Strychnine Awards! Have you ever been attacked by an animal or made an animal attack someone else? Have you ever dabbled in Satanic ritual? Do you like gladiator movies? If you've answered yes to all of the above like I have it turns out you may just be a vvitch (pronounced vavitch) or perhaps close to a rival vvitch. Once when little I was on a field trip at a petting zoo and I was snatched off the ground by a mean llama and flung around like a rag doll in its creepy big teeth until my mother who was chaperoning punched it in the neck until it dropped me to the dirt. Turns out I was a vvitch and didn't know it yet and I think probably one of my classmates was a rival of mine. Probably that shifty looking kid Jessica that got in trouble for eating scratch n' sniff stickers. 

Anywayith, on to the awards.

October 4th, 2021: The award for best Olde Timey Goat Mauling goes to...  

The Witch (2015)
Directed by Robert Eggers

Who wouldn't want to live deliciously? You get to eat butter all day and fly naked in the woods when you want. You get a pet goat that attacks everyone who looks at you sideways. Hell, sign me up.